The Ordinary Times

A Scientific Study, Day 23.

Two weeks have passed since my last update. Here are some things that I have noticed:

Letting go is good, but a positive attitude keeps the ship from capsizing. Arriving at a destination only to find the event is well past finished can be frustrating. Turning on one’s heel and heading for home to sulk is not the answer (as was my first impulse – I don’t have my phone, and I don’t have her number; goddamnit, I’m gonna have to go back home to call her). By sticking it out I had a great evening just being in the city, feeling alive and part of something wonderful.

It is behavior that is changing inside of me (though I have a pamphlet that says it is my DNA as well, caused by the cell phone). Because I have to think about other people’s plans and when they are expecting me, etc., I am getting much better at communicating clearly what I am doing, what I plan to do and what I am hoping will happen. The tough part can be extracting the same from others.

I was at an event last week where a phone rang and it did not even cross my mind that it might have been mine. I see this as a sign that my Pavlovian response to cell-phone action is waning. I say Pavlovian because I am certain that upon hearing a ring (or even more so, a text message) my brain juices me with some sort of pleasurable chemical. The connection was made long ago that the sound of a text message meant someone was thinking of me, and I was a junkie for it. Also, the ‘phantom ring’ that I used to hear so often has ceased.

The last weekend of the month is approaching, and I feel good. I have plans, and that is comforting, especially since the moments when I am alone and I can’t get a hold of anyone are trying – I am still pretty bad at enjoying alone time. I feel lost and lonely when I want to hang out but can’t. I ran into this hard when I moved back to Eugene in 2005, and I thought I had it tackled for good. That even-keel business comes into play on this one, though, so I have to just take a deep breath at times and take account of what I have that is good: I am warm, I have a place to live. I have friends near by. I have books to read and pants to mend.

I know it’s growing less and less about the phone, but I’m going to bring it back around, I swear.