The Ordinary Times

Top 10 Ways To Say Chillax

So Deafkitties and I were talking (or rather, instant messaging) yesterday about our favorite idiomatic expressions. We both have extensive lists. In the process of this exchange, though, we stumbled across a rich vein of colloquialism: the inducement to relax. These utterances, while rarely effective in their stated purpose (calming or soothing an excitable soul) are often very satisfying to say. Here are the top 10 we could come up with:

10) Hold your horses
Not strictly speaking a command to relax, but often used thusly. Question: in this allegory, where are these horses located. If I’m holding my horses, where should I lay my hands?

9) Simmer down

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8) Take a chill pill
Man, I just wish when people said this to me they had a Xanax in an outstretched palm.

7) Don’t get your panties in a bunch
I don’t wear panties, so I really don’t know about this. But if getting your panties in a bunch feels anything like getting your zebra-stripe butt-floss in a bunch, this is probably pretty good advice.

6) Cool out
The classics will never go out of style.

5) Don’t flip your lid
Among the most visual of the collection. Makes you think of Grover busting the fuck out of his garbage can and being all “GRRROWR!” That dude was a total dick, right? Grouch is just another word for “asshole” but the Sesame Street tried to pawn it off as some kind of charming eccentricity. It’s not charming, Oscar. Stop being a dick.

4) Keep your pants/shirt on
Some traditionalists insist on the more staid “shirt” as the article of clothing one is being urged to not remove. To me, pants tell a much more interesting story.

3) Don’t have a cow [man]
Bart Simpson implores you not to experiment with animal husbandry.

2) Cool your jets
You are burning me with your exhaust, and here you are, already on the deck of the aircraft carrier. Can you please turn down the gas a little? KTHXBAI!

1) Curb your dog
King of chillax, because it makes the recipient feel ridiculous for getting worked up. Your anger? It is a yappy little chihuahua. Kindly keep it from pissing on my sneaks.

Bonus Material:

Honorable Mention) Get a grip
Would be in the top 10 if the top 10 hadn’t already been written when we remembered it. For the perfect visual interpretation, Aerosmith has you covered.

Also, here are the original lists of our favorite idioms that were the point of departure for this wacky list:

Deafkitties:

“Now we’re talkin!”
“Hard to say”
“Jump the gun”
“I’ll be damned” [often preceded by "well", commonly shortened to "I'll be"]
“Up shit creek without a paddle”

Ben Moral:

“Flip the script”
“Run it up the flagpole and see who salutes”
“Throw it against the wall and see what sticks”

and the consensus pick for greatest idiom of all time:

“Put that in your pipe and smoke it”

Ceci n’est pas une peep by ~Amantxfantome on deviantART