The Ordinary Times

the last judgment.

I am always concerned about the well being of my mental state. Especially when I yawn and notice that the dogs at my work are all watching and yawning in unison. I asked my psychology teacher about this because she held up a wrinkled news article about yawning in her never-ending quest to confuse the class. I raised my hand and said, “So that’s why dogs yawn with me!” She seemed very excited at my fragmented sentence and the idea that I could maybe understand what she was getting at. The students near me just shook their heads in bewilderment. Little did they know that I was making psychological revelations of my own.

Today in math class we had a substitute instructor and she ruled. She explained word problems to us as if they were a Caribbean breeze, and Karen and I nailed all of the equations on our group exercise with plenty of time to spare. We were so pleased with ourselves that Karen exclaimed, “Lets eat a scramble!”, which we seriously considered, but then decided against since neither of us were actually hungry.

Two weeks ago was my parents’ 40th wedding anniversary. I’m glad I remembered it at all, but I didn’t remember until a few days late, so I sent them a card and a compact disc of oldies music that I thought my mom would really like. I haven’t heard from them. It is disappointing because for a while I told myself they were just on an elaborate vacation to celebrate a lifetime of wedded bliss, but enough time has passed that I have reached other conclusions. Either they are just too busy to reply currently, or they have stepped it up a notch in the Jehovah’s Witnesses brotherhood and gone into seclusion because the end of the world is nigh. When I was a kid, sitting in those damn flip down chairs that had been recycled from the Creswell Cinema and were now covered in red velvety upholstery, I would actually pay close attention to the talks Brother So-and-So was giving from the stage. He would warn of signs of impending doom and quote from the book of Revelations, forecasting that there would be an uprise in natural disasters around the world signaling our final days were fast approaching. This scared the shit out of me, which was the only reason I ever listened intently. My mom would talk about how in the final days, all of God’s people would most likely have to form smaller congregations than the ones we were used to, and essentially go into hiding. At that point, none of them would have much contact with “worldly people”, which is now you and I.

I hadn’t thought much about this concept until the past few weeks that I have been trying to get a hold of my dad. And to be honest, I don’t really think that’s whats going on. But what if it is? I picture my parents, with my sister and her children, living their lives in seclusion and patiently waiting for Armageddon. I can’t help but think that if that was the heightened level of faith they had reached, wouldn’t they want to speak to me for fear that The End could occur at any time, knowing that thereafter they would never have the chance to hear my voice or see my face again?

These are the thoughts I am thinking when I am walking around campus and brushing my teeth and trying to isolate X as the variable. Which is why I’m indefinitely concerned about the well being of my mental state. However, I reason with myself quite a bit about my family. The number one reason I have come up with is that I was never happy as a Jehovah’s Witness. Never. I always felt guilt and shame, even when I didn’t know exactly what I had done wrong. So I reason that I am better off now than I ever was, even without those family ties that most everyone has and frequently take for granted. I feel strong and I feel alive. I would rather feel this intense sense of awareness at all times, knowing that if the end of planet Earth as we know it is near, be it 2012 or sooner or later, I have allowed myself to be happy. Of course happiness is different circumstances for different living things at different times, but I have felt it, often and overwhelmingly. So what more could I really ask for? Besides a scramble.